tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
