I hate all girls vehemently.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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