dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
