my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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