is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
