do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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