I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
