You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
