I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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