So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
