No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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