He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
did i just pee glitter
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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