I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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