she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
