I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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