Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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