I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize