She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
