I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
