You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
