My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
