ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
