When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
