Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
