Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
