im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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