Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
