we should wear snuggies to the strip club
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
that is very illegal...i love you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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