you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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