wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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