if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
