Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
