Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
