i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
