i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
