u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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