I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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