I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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