OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
