btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
