Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
