I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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