I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
