If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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