Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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