I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Dicks are not precious.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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