the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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