i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
