Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
