why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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