make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
