the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
