So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
