my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
