I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
