this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
