I can text with my tongue
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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