Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
